Broken Lullabies
by Glasses.Of.Rose
Summary: In the face of a great tragedy Tony finds himself thrust into a life or death situation that's scarier than he has ever faced before. Will his friends be able to help him pull through? After all death is so much worse when someone else is faced with it.
1. Chapter 1

**May**

Tony stared into the bottom of his drink, wishing that he could lose himself in its murky depths. He had no idea what he was drinking, he only knew that it burned his throat as it slid to his stomach, and it would get him drunk, fast.

He knew this had to be rock bottom. If it wasn't where he was now, he had no idea where it would be. All he wanted to do was forget, he only wanted to rid himself of the damn aching in his chest, fill the hollowness he felt throughout his body. She was gone, and Tony wanted to get completely smashed. Maybe then he might feel something.

Tony knew that he was a walking contradiction. He was thirty-seven, but hadn't progressed past age twelve. He had been forced to grow up too soon, yet he never really grew. He was lazy and casual, but a damn good worker. He loved her, but he hated her. He was empty, but he was filled with an aching pain. He never wanted to see her face again, but he couldn't live without her.

It was just two weeks ago that Ziva had waltzed into the bullpen, waving around her hand which held a big shiny rock that sealed Tony's fate. He had loved Kate too, and had lost her to a bullet. He loved Ziva, and had now lost her to a diamond.

It had been painful to look at her, and Tony's attitude had worsened over the past two weeks. His taunts were now barbed, and meant to hurt; Tim and Ziva gave as good as they got, which in some twisted way, pleased Tony. He needed to feel that emotional pain; he felt that he deserved it. He was lusting after someone else's girl. He didn't deserve to be happy.

Taking another swig of bitter alcohol, Tony sighed. He had come in to the Bullpen just yesterday, and found that Ziva was gone. She was with CI-Ray, collaborating on an assignment with the CIA. She would be gone for a year, and her wedding would be happening during that time. She would return as Agent Cruz, not Agent David.

He had never really thought about it until now, but he loved Ziva's surname. There was just something special about the way it was pronounced; it appeared so simple, but it was different than what the eye saw, much like Ziva herself. When thinking of Eli David, the name tasted bitter in his mouth, but there was just something lovely about how Ziva David rolled off his tongue.

Tony snorted out loud. God he must be drunk, if he was thinking sappy shit like this. But then again, the women he loved tended to produce the strangest reactions from him. Usually he turned to alcohol. He had tasted his first liquor when he was eight years old and his mother was dead.

"Hey, I know you."

Tony was pretty drunk by now, but not drunk enough to even want to get laid, so he was about to turn around and tell the girl to kindly fuck off, when he saw just who he was speaking to.

Jeanne Benoit.

"Hey Jeanne. You speaking to me now?" Tony slurred, wondering if she had a purpose for approaching him. Last he had heard, she never wanted to speak to him again. He couldn't blame her. He had lied, and told her he felt nothing during their relationship, despite the blatant deception. He had prayed that she would see through his lie, and call him out on it, but she never had.

"Yeah. I'm too drunk to care. I just want to know what happened between us."

Tony looked at Jeanne, and it was almost impossible to ignore her, with her head cocked slightly to the left, and her eyes wide and questioning. She had always been remarkably profound while drunk, in contrast to Tony, who was mostly just a bitter drunk.

"It wasn't real. I was just trying to get to your father."

Jeanne let out an unladylike snort. "Tha's a new one you know. I've heard of people trying to get to siblings, but never dating a girl for her father. So are you gay, or were you in it for the money?"

Tony frowned at her. Had she hit her head or something? No matter how drunk he got, he could never forget their catastrophe of a relationship. He had tried.

Seeing Tony's incredulous expression, the smile slid off Jeanne's face. "That was a joke. I know what happened. I'm just too drunk to feel anything at the moment, so I don't even give a fuck what you did in the past."

Rubbing his face, Tony sighed, and took another long gulp of alcohol, ordering another. "God I wish I could get that smashed. Sometimes it feels like the alcohol only intensifies my pain, rather than dulls it." He let out a bark of dry laughter. "God, I can't even get drunk properly."

Jeanne bit her lip, and gently placed her hand on Tony's shoulder. "You always were too hard on yourself. I guess that hasn't changed, among other things."

Tony was surprised by how comforting Jeanne's touch really felt, and that when he looked deep in her eyes, the throbbing of his heart dulled somewhat. "Yeah? What other things have stayed the same between you and me?"

Without blinking an eye, Jeanne said,

"The way I feel about you."

Tony was shell shocked, but Jeanne placed a finger over his lips to ward off any questions. "I hate that I love you, but I just can't let you go. I know it wasn't real for you, but it was for me. When I said I wish I had never met you, that's because I would rather live in ignorance, not knowing what it was like to love you, and be loved by you, rather than to have done so, and live without it."

For a drunk, the French woman was remarkably coherent.

Fuelled by the alcohol, and pent up emotion, Tony surged forward and captured Jeanne's lips. The passionate kiss sent shivers down both their spines as they reveled in the familiarity of it all. That night, the rememorized each other's bodies. They did their dance of love all night long in Tony's apartment, sometimes slow and sweet, other times hot and passionate. Both of them felt loved, and both of them felt satisfied. However, the next morning when Tony woke up to a cold empty space where Jeanne had been, he only felt one emotion.

Empty.

**June**

That one night with Jeanne had done irrevocable damage to Tony. She had showed him everything he could have, everything that he wanted, and then ripped it away, without so much as a second glance back. He supposed it was some form of twisted payback, but damn it hurt.

Gibbs and Tim knew that something was wrong. McGee tried to make light of things by making jokes, but whenever Tony even attempted to join in, his were flat and half hearted. He had locked his heart away now, and parts of his personality were slowly going into hiding as well.

Anthony DiNozzo was through wearing his heart on his sleeve. He could no longer take the burning agony it brought him. He was about ready to give up on women altogether, until one day, when he drove home, and found Jeanne sitting in front of his door.

Placing on a mask of cool indifference, Tony ignored her folded form, instead reaching over her to turn his key in the lock. However, he quickly found her small hand over his own. He knew he could easily break her grip, but he had never laid a hand on a woman, save handcuffing a culprit.

"What do you want Jeanne?"

Jeanne winced at the cold harshness in Tony's tone, and he took a small vindictive bit of pleasure at seeing her wince.

"I wanted to talk. And I wanted to apologize. That wasn't right, for me to have used you like that, and then left."

Tony arched a brow, not really surprised, but still inquisitive. "So it wasn't some form of payback then? I always heard that it was a bitch. I get it Jeanne, I see your point. That's exactly what I did to you, I used you and left. Congratulations, now let me go-"

"No!" Jeanne cried, tightening her grip on Tony's hand. "No, Tony, it wasn't like that at all!"

"Then what was it like Jeanne?" Tony burst out angrily, showing emotion finally. Despite the anger, clearly directed towards her, it relieved Jeanne. Any emotion was better than none. It meant that there was still a chance.

"Tony, the only thing I regret is leaving." Tony had been watching her eyes when she said this, and he saw the truth in them, which scared the hell out of him. "I woke up that morning, and I wasn't numb anymore. I still was angry at you, and so when I realized what I had done, it _terrified_ me, so I ran. I didn't want to have to talk to you, to confront my feelings, I just wanted to run. I've been doing that since we ended, running from relationships, turning to alcohol. But I realized that I don't want to run from you anymore Tony."

Tony released a breath of air. "Jeanne, I can't do this again. I can't…I can't put my heart on the line. I'm sick and tired of being hurt. We've both hurt each other, badly. I know you think that I only used you, but that isn't true. I lied when I told you it wasn't real for me. It wasn't supposed to be real, but it was. Every kiss, every time we made love, every 'I love you' that was all real for me. When I told you it wasn't, I thought it would help you move on."

Jeanne's eyes now filled with tears. "I haven't moved on. I-I know you have. I can see that your heart belongs to someone else, but just always know that I'll always love you."

Tony swallowed hard; was it that obvious he was in love with Ziva? He watched as Jeanne tearfully walked away, and he let the happy memories wash over him. He would never get his chance with the woman who was his true love, but maybe he could have a chance with a woman he loved.

"Jeanne wait!" He called out, and she turned around. Her face was carefully composed, but he could tell by the telltale biting of her lip, and the shining in her eyes that she was harboring hope. Walking slowly towards her, Tony took a deep breath.

"Would you like to go out to dinner with me tomorrow night?"

**July**

Tony was slowly slipping into his old self again, and Gibbs and McGee were both grateful. There were less nights spent at Gibbs' house, so he could only assume that Tony had found himself a girl. As long as he wasn't breaking Rule 12 by doing so, Gibbs was happy for his field agent. McGee, for his part, was equal parts disappointed, and pleased that the various nicknames Tony had for him had returned.

Tony had made jokes with the team, went bowling with Abby, and practically returned to them as the goofball they all loved. However, the playboy part of his personality was gone. By now, everyone knew that Tony had gotten himself a girlfriend, and he fully intended to be serious about her. This news had caused many girls in administration to weep, but it was a constant source of gossip.

McGee and Abby were constantly peppering Tony with questions regarding his mystery woman, trying to find out her identity, or any tidbit of information about her, but Tony was remarkably silent, which was a telltale sign that he really liked her, as he wasn't constantly bragging about how she was in bed.

Next, the Devious Duo had attempted hacking into his computer, but had found nothing, only pictures of work, and old pictures of that French doctor he had dated while undercover. The two had even resorted asking to Gibbs, because he knew everything, but it seemed that even the fearless Gibbs had no idea.

In fact, it seemed that the only person who did know, was Jimmy Palmer, and he wasn't speaking either. It outraged Abby that Tony had told Jimmy and not her, but the two of them were best friends, and the Autopsy Gremlin had proved better at keeping secrets than she herself was.

No one knew who Tony's lucky lady was, until one hot day in July, when he got a phone call from security.

"Special Agent DiNozzo, there is a Ms. Benoit here to see you."

Tony, who was working on a cold case, grinned at checked his watch. Pulling the phone away from his ear, he looked at Gibbs, turning on the puppy dog pleading eyes. "Hey Gibbs, I'm almost done, so can I take my lunch break now?"

Gibbs rolled his eyes at Tony's antics. Although, those puppy dog eyes really did work on him, not that he would ever tell his agent that. "Sure. That will give the rest of us some peace and quiet to work."

Grinning his famous DiNozzo smile, he shot a thumbs up to the boss, and told the security guys he would be right down. As he left, McGee stood up. Smirking at his junior field agent, Gibbs called after him,

"McGee! If you and Abby are going to hack into the security footage," McGee froze, and Gibbs' smirk widened, "Make sure you tell me who the hell has DiNozzo wrapped around her finger like this."

Down at the front entrance, Tony approached his girlfriend with a wide grin, until recognizing the signs that she was just barely holding herself together. Jeanne's arm was wrapped around her waist, and her eyes were cast downwards, while she was chewing her lip with a ferocity that could rival a pit bull.

Walking over to her quickly, Tony gently took her arm, and guided her off to a couch that was fairly secluded. Thankfully, the security guards were not ones for gossip, so they would have some privacy.

"Jeanne, what's wrong?" Tony asked nervously, brushing her soft brown hair out of her face. Taking a deep shuddery breath, Jeanne looked up at him.

"Tony, I'm pregnant."

Down in Abby's lab, McGee and the happy Goth stared at the screen in shock.

"Tony…is dating Jeanne Benoit? Again? After what happened last time?" McGee asked in shock, looking towards Abby, hoping that she would tell him it was just a figment of his imagination. Unfortunately, she was shaking her head, her black pigtails bouncing.

"Not only that McGee! Tony's going to be a father!"

**August**

"Is it really necessary for you to have so much crap?"

Jeanne rolled her eyes at Tony's joking tone, as he lugged one of her many boxes into their new apartment. Tony had been wonderful, upon learning that they were now expecting parents. He had done exactly what she needed, wrapping her in his arms, and reassuring her that he would be there for her and the child.

It truly seemed like only yesterday that he had been renouncing her, saying that their relationship was completely fake and based upon lies. Now they were having a baby, and moving in together. Both Tony and Jeanne had already been planning on moving into a new apartment. So the two of them had pooled their money, and bought a larger apartment, that would provide plenty of room for their now growing family.

Around NCIS, word had quickly spread that Tony was expecting a child. Mainly because Abby couldn't keep a secret, but it was hot gossip all the same. Tony had been mad at Abby for a while, if only for stealing his thunder. However, he had taken it out on McGee by giving him a few head slaps, knowing that he had helped hack the system.

Everyone was constantly telling him congratulations, even the stoic Gibbs. However, Gibbs' short and sweet speech had been told with pride and sadness in his eyes. Tony knew that he was longing for his lost daughter, and that he saw Tony as a surrogate son, a fact which made Tony exceedingly proud. He only wanted the best for Tony, and his unborn child.

Funnily enough, despite everyone's happiness for Tony and his baby, no one had really said much on the topic of Jeanne. He supposed it was because they still remembered her as someone who had accused Tony of murder, and had caused him a lot of stress and heartache. However, he was sure, that in time, they would all warm up to her. After all, he had.

Tony wouldn't dump Jeanne for Ziva, he had more class than that. However, he knew that he did not love the two women the same way, just like he didn't love Ziva and Kate the same way. He had thought that he would never love after Kate, but the fact that she was dead allowed him to move on; he could not do that with Ziva.

Yes, he loved Jeanne. Yes, he already loved their baby with his whole heart and soul. However, his love for Ziva was incomparable. But he had lost her, and he was content with loving Jeanne, and the life that they were building for themselves.

So it was with a comfortable ease that he settled into his old couch that night, his feet on Jeanne's coffee table, with her head in his lap, watching old movies while she slept. The aching pain in his heart was mercifully gone, however the longing was still there. He supposed it would always be there, because Jeanne was not Ziva.

However, as he brushed his hand against Jeanne's slowly growing stomach, he realized that Ziva was not Jeanne. Ziva was not bearing his child, and Ziva never would have gotten into this situation with him. Tony loved Jeanne, and she would always have a special place in his heart for being the mother of his child.

A smile played on his lips. His love for Ziva might supersede all other women, but he knew that this baby would have the place of honor in his heart.

**September**

"Okay, so what kind of bagels did you say you wanted?"

The autumn air was crisp in Washington D.C. and Tony was wrapped in a scarf and jacket. He hated the cold, and already the year was shaping up to produce the coldest winter thus far. Yet here he was, at Wal-Mart, searching for the latest one of Jeanne's cravings.

The things he would do to get laid.

The hormones and weird food cravings had finally kicked in, and Tony now found himself constantly at a loss of how to handle his girlfriend. He would do anything for her, considering that she was carrying his child, however she also often drove him to the point of wanting to bang his head against the wall in frustration. She never seemed to fully verbalize what she wanted, and when he finally managed to get it, she had changed her mind.

Women.

"Tony, I specifically said I wanted pickles and cottage cheese!"

Tony rubbed his eyes tiredly. He had been up half the night trying to find what Jeanne wanted. For someone who really wasn't all that high maintenance, pregnancy really turned her into someone needy and clingy.

"Jeanne, love, you said you wanted bagles."

He heard the distinct sound of sobbing on the other line, and he wanted to hit his head against something.

"Well now I want pickles and cottage cheese!"

He let out a sigh of frustration, which Jeanne apparently heard on the other end. Now her sobs were much louder, and her speech was barely coherent enough for Tony to decipher.

"I-I'm b-being too m-much trouble a-aren't I? Y-you don't w-want to put u-up with m-me anymore d-do you? Oh God, T-Tony, p-please don't leave me! I-I'm sorry! I-I'm just h-hungry, and I-I don't know w-what I want t-to eat!"

Tony frantically attempted to calm his hysterical girlfriend, before she did something drastic.

"No, no, no, Jeanne! I'm not going to leave you! I understand, I know you're upset. You aren't making me mad, I know you can't decide what you want. It's just the pregnancy hormones. I'll be home in a few minutes, and I promise I'll have what you want."

As he hung up the phone, he saw an elderly couple smile at him, and he managed a weak smile back. He could practically read the 'oh that's so cute' vibes coming from them, though he noted that the woman looked at his bare left hand with disapproval.

He sighed, and slipped his hand into his coat pocket, fingering the ring he had gotten from his mother's safe. The subject had been a constant source of mental argument for him, as he wasn't sure whether or not to propose to Jeanne.

He knew he loved her, and he would love her until the day he died. He knew he loved Ziva, and would until the day he died, but he couldn't have her. He also knew that he was having a baby with Jeanne, and they would be a family.

But what his head knew, and what his heart wanted were two separate things.

Sighing, Tony pushed his cart towards the cheese aisle, not wanting to get into another mental debate on the topic of marriage. He knew it was the proper thing to do, but he wasn't sure if it was right for him, right for him and Jeanne.

He had no intention of ending up like Gibbs, married three times, divorced four. He didn't want to lose a wife and child, but he especially did not want to drag a child through divorce, if things did not work out between him and Jeanne.

In the time between his mother's death, and being sent off to boarding school, his father had married and remarried five times. Two of his stepmothers, Bailey and Allison, Tony had truly liked. Bailey was young, and had been more like an older sister than anything, playing with him, and keeping him entertained.

Allison, who had been married to his father the longest, had truly been like his mother. She had taken care of him when he was sick, picked up on the things he loved, and scolded him when he acted out. She bore a remarkable resemblance to his mother, which was perhaps why his father had divorced her in the end.

Tony doubted that he would completely turn into his father, but he had quite the reputation with women, and did not want to put any child of his through what he had undergone.

When he thought of parenting, his father was the perfect model of how not to act. He refused to be a distant figure in his son or daughter's life, rarely there, and drunk when he was. No matter what bad event happened, he would be a constant, a rock for his baby.

When he thought of parenting, Gibbs was his role model of how to act.

**October**

"Tony, calm down."

Tony's knee was frantically bouncing up and down in anxiety. He glanced at Jeanne who lay on the table, her swollen stomach bare, and covered in a cold gel. Today was the day. Today Jeanne was twenty weeks along, halfway through the pregnancy. Today, the young couple would find out if their baby was a boy or a girl.

The gender of their unborn baby had actually turned out to be a problem. In fact, it had sparked Tony and Jeanne's largest fight since July, when the subject of names had come up between them. It mainly revolved around the chance of their child being a boy.

Jeanne wanted to name him René.

Tony had fought her long and hard on that one, and the two had been at odds for a week, with Tony sleeping on the couch, and a tense, heavy atmosphere. Jeanne had threatened to move out, and Tony had been about to let her. All because of a stupid name.

Jeanne had wanted to honor her dead father, but Tony had not wanted to name his son after an arms dealer who had murdered and stolen. Sure, he was Jeanne's father, and biggest hero, but in Tony's book, he would always be a villain.

Eventually, the two had reached a compromise, deciding that if their child was a girl, they would name her Renee, a more appropriate name for a girl, and Tony could pretend that it was a name they had pulled out of thin air. They still hadn't picked a name for a boy, but they were both sure that they would get a little baby girl.

Until right that moment, when the doctor brought up Jeanne's ultrasound, and pointed out that the little squirming creature inside, that reminded Tony of his Sea Monkeys that his mother had accidentally drank, was indeed a boy. It finally hit Tony. He was going to be a father.

He was going to have a son.

Tony wasn't ashamed that he cried. He saw his son for the first time that day, as he had been unable to come with Jeanne to her other appointments. Unfortunately the bad guys he caught didn't really care that he wanted to see his unborn baby. But now, seeing him on that screen, in black and white, it drew tears to Tony's eyes.

A part of him wondered if his father had felt the same way when he saw Tony's ultrasound. Hell, he wondered if Senior had even been there. But if he had gotten choked up, or if he hadn't a care in the world, it didn't matter to Tony. Because this was his son, this was his baby boy, and he loved him more than anyone in the world.

As he went home that night, he stayed up, while Jeanne snored lightly beside him. He was absentmindedly rubbing her belly, thinking about his son, who was resting in there. He was already imagining teaching him how to play basketball, how to play football. He was going to be a good dad to his son.

Tony suddenly wanted to fast forward time, to when he could hold his son, when he could see the beautiful baby that he and Jeanne had created. He could hardly wait for his child to be born, to show his child to the world.

Already his son was inspiring him. The next day, when he went to work, and showed the ultrasound to practically everyone, he made sure to put forth maximum effort into his work. He wanted to make the world a better place, a safer place, for his son to grow up in. It had always been his desire to make the world better and safer, but now he had a reason for it. Now he could look at Ziva's desk without feeling hollow. Now he had an overwhelming sense of love that filled him at all times.

Now he finally felt loved himself.

**November**

"Since when did you know how to set up a crib?"

Tony flashed a wide grin towards his girlfriend who was watching him in amusement from the large comfy chair, set in the corner of the nursery, by the window. The pair of them had spent the past weekend decorating their son's room. There had been much debate on the color (Jeanne wanted yellow, Tony wanted green) the pattern, (Jeanne wanted stripes, Tony wanted solid) and basically everything that went into it.

Eventually, Jeanne had gotten her way, and Tony had painted the walls yellow, while Jeanne later went in and stenciled blue and green fish on the walls. The curtains were green, and the large squishy chair was green and yellow. Both parents to be were appeased, and Tony now sat on the floor, carefully constructing their son's crib.

"Well all those nights in Gibbs' basement, I eventually had to learn something, didn't I?"

Jeanne smiled widely at him.

"Plus, I have the directions."

Now Jeanne's eyebrow rose, and she smirked. "Now really Tony, I didn't take you for someone to read the instructions! What brought this change about?"

Tony shrugged modestly. "Well I wanted to make sure and do things right. Only the best for our son." Seeing Jeanne's soft smile, he added with another lighthearted shrug, "And if I did it wrong, I'd have to go to Gibbs for help. I'm not putting myself through that embarrassment."

Jeanne rolled her eyes, and tossed a rag at him.

It was moments like this that Tony loved her the most. These brief fleeting shining moments where they thought about their futures as parents, where they truly came to grips with the fact that their son would soon be placed in their arms. Three quick months, and then they would have their baby boy.

"By the way, Gibbs informed me that he is making us a cradle, and we aren't allowed to refuse."

Jeanne smiled widely. Tony had been right, and eventually his team had warmed up to Jeanne. Abby was currently using her as a temporary best friend, and Jimmy loved her, because Tony did. That was just the way their relationship worked. Ducky and Jeanne could talk for hours swapping stories, and talking medical junk. Jeanne turned out to be as inept with computers as Gibbs was, so McGee was slowly teaching her. And Gibbs…

Well, Gibbs approved of her.

Tony realized that he had stopped what he was doing, and was just staring at Jeanne as she looked out the window. He had always thought that people were exaggerating about the 'pregnant glow', but Jeanne really was beaming. Her soft beauty struck him, and once again Tony found himself marveling at how lucky he truly was, despite the longing his heart continued to feel.

Realizing that Tony was staring at her, she looked at him self-consciously. "What?"

Tony smiled lovingly at her. "Nothing." Jeanne blushed, and Tony went back to work, the two sitting in silence, happy and content, waiting for the birth of their son.

**December**

It was a bad day. Today was an awful day.

Today Ziva David became Ziva Cruz.

Thankfully, Jeanne knew this, and she knew what this news meant to Tony. She had long since accepted that she would never have all of Tony's heart, but she was content to accept what he was willing to offer, which was far more than she would have originally guessed.

It was with ease that she managed to slip out of the house to drive, sensing that her boyfriend needed to be alone at the moment. Nothing she could say or do would bring him any comfort, so it was better for her just to take a step back and give him his breathing room.

Tony, for his part, was extremely grateful that Jeanne was such a perceptive person. The best thing for him was to be isolated, because that was how he felt at the moment. He had been tempted to put the wedding invitation, with its fancy stationary and pretty gold calligraphy, through the shredder as soon as he got it. He wouldn't be going, so he didn't need directions.

The shredded pieces of paper would have been an apt analogy for his shredded heart.

But no, once again, he had simply emulated Gibbs, and tossed it in the trash without even opening the envelope, having already seen Gibbs and McGee's. Abby had given him hell for weeks about it, and the two of them were currently at odds, as Abby had resorted to slapping him, and he had resorted to the silent treatment.

He had thought it was obvious he was in love with Ziva, everyone knew. But apparently Abby hadn't gotten the memo, and had chosen Ziva's side over Tony's. That hurt, quite a bit.

But nothing hurt so much as sitting on the couch, staring at his folded hands, wishing things were different. It hurt, and he felt selfish, because Jeanne was giving him the greatest gift she could give. But Tony wished that it could have been Ziva.

He felt sickened that he was being so selfish, but he could not turn off his heart's desires like a light switch. He could only want what he did, and that was the Israeli beauty, currently marrying CI-Ray.

The happy couple had come back to be wed in Washington D.C. so that all of their friends and family could attend. Of course, Eli David was not attending his own daughter's own wedding, and for once, Tony empathized with him. He was sure that Abby would tell Ziva he was being an ass, but he was counting on Gibbs and Jimmy to make up an excuse for him.

Okay, so he was counting on Gibbs.

At the moment though, he was happy to wallow in his misery. He was hurting too much to even get drunk, if that made any sense. Though it was probably a good thing, considering what had happened last time. Not that he regretted anything with Jeanne, or the conception of their son, however, it had been unplanned, and if he ended up with some other woman, Jeanne would kill him. Or leave him.

Honestly Tony didn't know which was worse.

Eventually, his thoughts and memories of Ziva David consumed him. She was his partner, and his best friend, and the woman he loved with everything. But she wasn't his. It felt like she was, but she was promising herself to another. She was giving herself to someone from an organization that Tony hated. She would no longer be Ziva David, by the end of the night. Upon her return in late December, Tony would be referring to her as Agent Cruz.

For the first time since seeing the ultrasound picture of his son, Tony allowed tears of sadness to fall from his hazel eyes. After a few moments of choked sobs, he finally allowed exhaustion and fatigue to pull him into a restless sleep.

Several hours later, Tony was woken by the irritating ringing of the phone. Grumbling, Tony rose from the couch, groaning and stretching his back as he did so. He was far too old to spend nights on the couch anymore, that and his old sports injuries made his back ache painfully.

Reaching his arm over, he grabbed the phone, and spoke into it, his voice gravelly and still sleep filled.

"DiNozzo."

"Mr. DiNozzo, this is Bethseda Hospital. I'm calling to inform you that Jeanne Benoit was admitted to the hospital this evening. She was rescued from a wrecked car. She went into labor and…"

The voice was still talking in Tony's ear, but he was no longer listening. The phone slipped out of his hand, it and the world Tony knew, came crashing to the floor.


	2. Chapter 2

**I apologize for taking so long to update this and my other story! I was enjoying a nice vacation, but I am now back! Thank you everyone for all the kind reviews, and I hope you had a good holiday season. Enjoy the next installment!**

Despite the inherent nature of the bride, the wedding was beautiful, and what almost any girl would have wished for on her special day. The white dress had been perfect, the music was spectacular, and the following dinner was exquisite. It was everything that Ziva David had wished for, yet something was missing.

She couldn't place it. She had just married the most amazing man, the prince of her long forgotten dreams, that she had been discouraged from dreaming in the first place. Her work family was here, which was only an added bonus to this amazing day.

Ray had surprised her by insisting that their wedding be in Washington D.C. so that her co-workers, who were really her extended family, could attend the event. The ceremony had been led by a rabbi, and everything had been perfect. Everyone she wanted and loved was here.

Except for Tony.

It startled Ziva that it had taken her so long to realize it. She supposed that she had been so swept up in the magic of the day and the moment, that she hadn't realized that the class clown, the secretly  
>sweet, and the man she kind of sort of maybe loved was not present.<p>

It hurt. Ziva couldn't lie, but it hurt that Tony was not here to see her be married. Gibbs had 'given her away', and Abby had squealed and taken pictures when she and Ray finally kissed. McGee had clapped enthusiastically with Jimmy and Ducky.

But Tony was not here.

He hadn't been at her citizenship ceremony either, and his absence at important events to her was beginning to make her angry. He was an important person to her, he should be here. Hell, she wanted him to be here.

She just wouldn't admit even to herself that she wanted to see if he would have stopped the wedding. It wasn't that she wanted it to be stopped, or that she didn't want to marry Ray, but she wanted to know if Tony found her worth it to risk everything for. But apparently he couldn't put his heart on the line for her. He didn't have the courage to try and stop the wedding, to tell her how he really felt.

Ziva knew she wasn't being quite fair. She didn't know what she would have done, had Tony protested her marriage to Ray. She was happy with the CIA agent, and had greatly enjoyed the time they had spent together over the past six months. However, she knew she had lingering feelings for Tony, and she wasn't quite sure what to make of them.

When she finally asked where Tony was, Abby's face had darkened considerably, and Ray had taken a swig of his champagne, clearly unhappy that his new wife was asking questions about a man that he still considered being a threat to his happiness. Abby had opened her mouth, but Gibbs had cut her off, simply saying that Tony had prior obligations, and he gave her his best.

Ziva disagreed. Giving her his best entailed Tony telling her how he really felt about her. That was 'giving her his best'. However she let the subject drop, and she joined Ray in their first dance together. He danced with her across the ballroom, but he was…not very good at it. Ziva couldn't help but be disappointed; Ray had promised to take lessons to improve his dismal skills. He knew that she loved dancing; he might have at least made an effort to do something she loved.

Thankfully she was mercifully saved by Gibbs who swept her into the pseudo-father daughter dance. Now that dance was perfect. The rock hard ex-Mossad agent and the stoic former Marine both dancing sweetly at a beautiful wedding, with tears in their eyes-though they would both deny it with vehemence.

Ziva had a chance to dance with McGee, Ducky, and Palmer, and enjoyed all of them immensely. Ducky told her wonderful stories, McGee teased her lightly, and Palmer was simply adorable in his blushing state, as he kept tossing glances back towards his own new wife, who was simply grinning at the pair.

Eventually Abby pulled her out to dance to some rock song, and Ziva enjoyed letting loose, and letting the Goth pull her into the rhythm. However, she could not help but notice that Ray had not danced with any of her guests, only his own, while she had danced with many of Ray's friends and family members. In fact-she noticed angrily-Ray only seemed to be interested in checking his phone. He could not be going on a mission now! They had wrapped up their own mission six months earlier than planned; they were about to go on their honeymoon!

As the MCRT-minus Tony-were sitting down, Ziva was about to mention what she noticed to Abby, and ask what the scientist made of it, when Gibbs phone rang. Tossing an apologetic look to Ziva-which she responded to with a nod-he, answered his phone with his normal gruff greeting.

McGee quickly drew her into a conversation about the technology she had experienced on her mission, and what she had missed-she noticed he steered clear of mentioning Tony-when Gibbs stood up, his face a normal impassive mask, but displaying hints of worry.

"Let's go. We've got a dead woman."

Immediately McGee stood, as did Ducky, but Abby simply pouted. "Now? Gibbs, this is Ziva's wedding! We promised we would be here for her! We can't leave now!"

"You all were here for me." Ziva found herself interjecting, forcing herself to smile. "I understand that you have to leave. Go, do your jobs. I only wish I could join you."

Tim smiled at Ziva and kissed her on the cheek. "And in two weeks, you will be. You look beautiful Ziva. Enjoy your honeymoon."

Continuing to pout, Abby reached over and hugged Ziva tightly, as if trying to squeeze the disappointment out of her. She just about succeeded too. "I'm so sorry, I really wanted to stay! But Timmy's right, you look gorgeous. I'm so glad you're happy Ziva, you deserve it."

One by one, the rest of them issued her their congratulations, until finally it was only Gibbs who was left. Looking carefully at the Israeli born woman with his piercing blue eyes, he said only, "Good luck Ziver," before strolling out the doors of the venue.

As Ziva sat alone at one of the ornately decorated tables, across the room from her husband, occupied by his phone, she couldn't help but feel that Gibbs' words had sounded more like a sympathetic apology, rather than a well wish to the new bride.

* * *

><p>"Gibbs, I thought we weren't on call! I remember you specifically booking this weekend off for us!" Abby complained. She was more than a little disgruntled at having to leave her best friend's wedding, and she had a hinky feeling about Gibbs' phone call. It lasted too long for it to have been just another body.<p>

"We aren't."

"Then why can't we let somebody else take the case?" McGee asked in puzzlement. He too had wanted to enjoy Ziva's reception; after all, it was her special day, and he wanted to help her celebrate it."

"Because the body isn't a Marine, and we aren't conducting an investigation."

"What? But why-"

"Jeanne Benoit is dead, and Tony's son has been sent to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit."

Gibbs' words were met with horror, and then a terrified silence as they all piled into his car rapidly. For once, no one said a word about his driving, as he drove like a madman to get them to the hospital as quickly as he possibly could.

* * *

><p>Tony stared at his tiny son, his beautiful little boy, who could probably fit into the palm of his hand. Two pounds, the nurse had said. His son weighed no more than two pounds. His lungs were underdeveloped, and he was born too early. He could die. His son might not make it.<p>

Tony bowed his head in an attempt to keep the tears at bay. He had already lost Jeanne, he couldn't lose his child too. He remembered how he felt, when he arrived at the hospital, and found that his girlfriend, the woman he loved-maybe not with his whole heart, but a large part of it-the mother of his child, his _Jeanne_ had died. The delivery doctor, who he had seen multiple times over the past few months, had told him that Jeanne had managed to deliver the baby safely, and then she had died, leaving one word on her lips. Tony hadn't had to ask the doctor what that word was.

The overwhelming grief he felt at Jeanne's death was nearly all consuming. He felt completely responsible, and he knew in his heart that he was. If he hadn't been moping about Ziva's nuptials, Jeanne wouldn't have felt the need to give him space. She wouldn't have gone driving, and she wouldn't have skidded on black ice.

Tony wanted the tears to come, to cascade down his face, but they just wouldn't. There was something inside of him that was holding him back. He was his own biggest obstacle, and he felt so frustrated, so exhausted, he just wanted to scream in anger.

How could this happen? He had been good the past six months, a better person. Why was Jeanne taken from him? What had he done that had been so awful? Was it because he wasn't one hundred percent faithful to Jeanne, emotionally? Was that why she had died? God, Tony hoped not. He couldn't change the way he felt about Ziva, but he had begun to think that his feelings for Jeanne might grow stronger than the ones for Ziva.

Now he was left, clinging to the hope that his son-born at twenty-six weeks, who would have breathing problems, and a feeding tube, and so many other medical issues that Tony did not even want to think about-would be able to pull through, and survive being born far too early, because of his own father's selfishness.

Tony knew he should be feeling angry, or shocked, or in denial, but he couldn't. He was too tired, filled with exhaustion and grief to feel anything other than emptiness. He wasn't numb, he was empty, and a light that had the potential to fill his every pore, was being dangled in front of him on a delicate string.

So basically he was in the same position he had been in six months ago, when he saw Jeanne again.

The nurse, Olivia, was taking care of his son, but to Tony, his tiny little baby did not look alright. He was in an incubator, hooked up to a ventilator, and about a million other machines beeping and buzzing. Tony hated hospitals, and now his son was here. Because of him. His son would be raised by an only father, who had no idea how to be a parent.

His son would not have a mother, just like him.

Tony tried not to let himself be sucked back down into the dark abyss of guilty thoughts and self prosecution, but it was a huge struggle. Only the sight of his newborn baby managed to keep him alert, and watching the nurse's every move. He wanted to ask questions, but his throat was dry as sand, and his mouth was not working properly.

As if sensing the struggle that Tony was experiencing, the nurse smiled kindly at him. "It can be scary, you know, having a baby in the NICU. I became a Neonatal nurse, after my daughter was sent here. But I promise, we'll take very good care of your son."

Tony nodded his appreciation, swallowing, trying to get his mouth to function, but it simply refused to do so. He finally managed to croak out a hoarse, "thank you."

The nurse smiled at him again, and met Tony's eyes. "What's his name?"

They both knew that she could easily check the bracelet around his too-small wrist, but the question drew a ghost of a smile to Tony's taut face, as he thought about the name he and Jeanne had finally settled on, the name that she had uttered upon his son's birth.

"Caleb."

* * *

><p>The members of the NCIS MCRT were all waiting impatiently in the hospital waiting room. As they were not parents or relatives, they couldn't go down to the NICU, and they probably wouldn't have been allowed to anyways. They were all anxious to see Tony, to comfort him, and question him on the well being of his son. No one wanted to think that the littlest DiNozzo was anything but okay.<p>

"Where is he? What's taking so long? What happened?"

Abby was practically bouncing up and down in her seat, her caffeine filled blood pumping erratically throughout her body. She was exuding nervous energy, but her eyes showed true fear and worry for her friend. All her anger and frustration at him was forgotten. She should have realized it would be hard for him to come to Ziva's wedding. He had always had a special bond with his partner, and now she was getting married to someone else, while he was having a baby with someone else. She hadn't really supported him the last few weeks, and she was now regretting that. She had been reminded of just how quickly it could all fall to shit.

"Patience Abigail." Ducky said reassuringly. "I'm sure that young Anthony simply wants to be with his son. He has already lost one love tonight, I do not believe he will be quite so rash as to leave his son, without being quite certain that he is in good hands."

For his part, Ducky did not like this. He was saddened by the fact that the world had lost a good doctor, and a good woman. Jeanne Benoit had become a friend to him over the past few months, and she took care of Anthony. She made him happy, and that was all she wanted. Ducky had come to realize that despite her reaction to her father's death many years ago, she truly was a selfless woman, giving Anthony happiness, without demanding all of his love in return.

Ducky was also worried about the newest DiNozzo. He was not a pediatrician, or a neonatologist. That was a very specific branch, and for once, it seemed like his medical knowledge would not be able to aid him too much. He might understand the basics, but he would most likely be as lost as the others, as most of his patients were dead adults.

"He's going to be okay, Abby." McGee's voice was quiet, but it was unwavering, spoken with utter confidence. "It's Tony, and he's going to pull through this. He always does. And so will his son."

"How do you know?" Abby demanded fiercely. "How do you know that that poor little baby will be okay? He's twenty six weeks McGee! Those chances…those chances aren't good!" Abby's voice was cracking, and everyone could hear how broken up she truly was. "How do you know that they're going to be okay?"

"Because, that little baby is Tony's son. If he's passed on anything to that baby, it'll be our luck for it to be his stubbornness. When Tony had the Plague, his chances then weren't good either, but he survived. His son will beat the odds too."

"But what about Jeanne?" Jimmy Palmer finally spoke up, looking at the team, his hand clutched tightly by a crying Breena. Everyone felt sharp stabs of guilt when they remembered how close Breena and Jeanne had become over the past few months. She had lost her best friend, and they had hardly paid her any mind.

"Tony has already lost her twice, when she found out the truth about the undercover op, and then after she accused him of murdering her dad. He-he really loved her, as much as he could, and now she's gone. I-guys, I don't know how much more shit he can take."

Though Gibbs had yet to speak, he felt that Palmer had summed up his thoughts the best. Tony had been weathering the storm for years, stubbornly holding on through thick and thin. It was quite an admirable quality, despite what Vance might say, however, Tony was reemerging with more and more battle scars as of late, and these ones were on his heart, where Ducky's skills couldn't simply patch him up.

Gibbs knew, more than anyone, what it was like to lose a wife and child. While he doubted that Jeanne had been Tony's Shannon, he imagined that she would have certainly been his Jenny. Gibbs knew that Tony's true love was someone else, but Jeanne was the mother of his child, certainly a position of love and honor. He had felt lost and devastated when Jenny died, and he could only imagine that was how Tony was feeling now.

But to watch his child suffer…Gibbs wouldn't wish that on any one, not even the man who had taken Shannon and Kelly from him. Gibbs had lost Kelly, just like Tony might lose his son now. It was almost worse for Tony, because he wouldn't know. If he was given false hope, only to have to watch his son die…it hurt Gibbs' heart to even think about it.

Tony was strong, yes, but no one was that strong. And unlike Gibbs, he did not have a specific person to blame for the deaths of Jeanne and his son, should his son fail to make it. Gibbs knew without a doubt, should his son not make it, then Tony would turn the blame inwards, to himself. He would spiral into a deep, dark, place, that no one would be able to pull him out of, not even his head slaps, nor Abby's happy radiance.

Gibbs could only make sure that didn't happen on his watch.

Suddenly, an exhausted, grieving, hurting young man entered the waiting room, and the entire D.C. MCRT and Breena Palmer, were on their feet. Thankfully, they all had the sense not to rush to him, though McGee had to grab Abby's wrist to remind her.

Surprisingly, Tony headed for Breena first, encasing her in a comforting hug, speaking into her blonde hair. "I'm so sorry about Jeanne Breena. She always thought of you as her best friend, until the very end."

More tears fell down the pretty young woman's face, but she managed a grim smile, and hugged Tony back. It struck his co-workers how much they truly did underestimate his perceptive skills at time. They always said he wasn't good at empathy, yet he had noticed immediately that Breena needed comforting, and had managed to do it, in spite of his own devastation. It had taken the others, excluding Jimmy, several minutes to remember that Breena had been effected by Jeanne's death too.

Turning to the group, Tony slid his hands in his pockets, and took a deep breath.

"He's…alive. He's twenty-six weeks, and he's in an incubator. They say that he has Respiratory Distress Syndrome. He's hooked up to a ventilator, and he has a feeding tube, among other stuff. The neonatologist said his chances look good, but there might be complications." Tony took a deep breath. "There's a chance he could develop cerebral palsy. There's also a seventy percent chance that he'll be deaf in both ears. But at the moment, he's sleeping, and he's…he's okay."

Tony choked out the last word, and Abby engulfed him in one of her hugs. She slowly stroked the back of his head soothingly, managing to calm him down to some degree. Her heart was breaking for him and his little baby boy, who was hooked up to like a bajillion machines somewhere deep in the heart of the hospital. But no matter what, she was going to be there for him and Tony Junior. But she wouldn't call him that, because she knew how much Tony hated being called 'Junior' by his father. Speaking of calling the baby…

"Tony? What's his name?"

Both Tony and Jeanne had kept silent about what they were intending to name the baby. Everyone knew they had finally picked a name, when Tony came bounding into the Bullpen happily, after a week's worth of fighting with his girlfriend, but he had kept surprisingly quiet about the whole thing. However now, like before, the question drew a smile to Tony's eyes and lips.

"His name is Caleb Anthony DiNozzo."

Everyone smiled. No one had met the little baby yet, but he was Tony's and that was all that mattered. They felt like they already knew him, and they all agreed that the name 'Caleb' just seemed to fit. And the fact that he was named after his father just made everything the sweeter.

"J-Jeanne and I decided on Caleb, but she picked the middle name. I didn't want him named after me, but she insisted."

Once more, Tony was choking on his words, and it once again struck them all that Tony had lost a woman he loved. Again. First Kate, then Ziva to Ray, and now Jeanne to the ice. Abby was suddenly fiercely glad that Caleb was a boy. She was a superstitious being, and she felt that being born a boy had increased Caleb's chances exponentially.

"It's a beautiful name Tony. I can't wait to meet him and tell him about his awesome dad who he's named after." Abby said seriously to Tony, offering him a comforting hand on his shoulder. "After all, I'm pretty sure no one could do that with you."

Tony managed to muster up a grin for Abby, their previous fight all but forgotten in light of the recent tragedy. Looking around at all the faces, he ran a hand over his own face, where stubble was already starting to grow.

"Look, you should all go home. You have work tomorrow, and visiting hours are over in the NICU anyways. The nurse was just nice, and let me see him since I haven't yet. But you all should go, and I promise to call you if anything happens."

Reluctantly-especially in Abby's case-the group all nodded, and began leaving, Abby being the last to do so, and giving Tony an extra tight squeeze as she left. Finally it was only Gibbs who stood across from Tony, just as he knew would happen.

"Jeanne and I both talked about it." Tony began quietly. "I want you to be Caleb's godfather, and Jeanne agreed. We were going to ask Abbs to be the godmother, I just didn't want to spring it on her tonight."

A million thoughts sprang through Gibbs' head when Tony posed that question. Like why the hell he thought that was a good idea. Sure, he was Amira's godfather, but that was different. Leyla was in good health, she wasn't going anywhere, anytime soon. But DiNozzo…DiNozzo put his life on the line every day, and danced across that line many times. Gibbs had wondered when the kid's luck would run out. When it eventually did, Tony' truly trusted him enough to ask him to take care of his only child?

However, Gibbs didn't say any of this out loud. Because he knew, without a doubt, had he still been married to Shannon, and if they had a baby now, he would immediately ask Tony to be the godfather. Knowing what Tony needed and wanted to hear, Gibbs spoke.

"Well I'm not about to let Palmer take care of my godson."

The release of air was visible, as Tony seemed to shrink some. Gibbs' admission had truly been telling the Italian agent that he was going to stick around for Tony, and for Caleb, no matter what curveball life threw at them.

Sitting next to his surrogate son, Gibbs patted Tony on the back, as the man currently had his face buried in his hands.

"It's going to be okay Tony."

He was startled when he realized that he truly believed that.


End file.
